Popping Bubbles

I am addicted to gossip magazines. Oy. Not the rags like Enquirer or Star, but I can't get enough People or US Weekly.  If the covers are intriguing enough, I will snatch up copies of InTouch and Life & Style in a hot minute. I'm not sure what it is about the glossy pages, but like Depeche Mode sings, I just can't get enough. However, over the past couple of weeks I have noticed a few items in the headlines that make me roll my eyes. As much as I like gossip and love keeping up with Hollywood, I have a list of people that need to find a cave, crawl in and pull a giant rock in front of the opening.

• Kate Gosselin – Dancing With the Stars, really? I can't stand this woman. Everything about her makes me want to scream and gnash my teeth.  I have never watched DWTS, but after looking at this season's cast it seems more like Dancing With the D List
• The Kardashians – I'm tired of keeping up with this family. They are like a train wreck though and I have a hard time looking away. Bruce Jenner is the sanest person on this show. The three sisters are on every other page of every magazine. Their men are cheating. Their all happy. Kim's pregnant. Khloe's not. Oh wait, Kim's not pregnant either. Kourtney's baby daddy is an ass. (OK, by all accounts this one seems to be true.)
• Speidi – Enough said.
• The cast of Jersey Shore – How many Bump-Its and orange spray on tans are necessary in a person's life? None. Seeing the cast of this show in my beloved magazines makes me cringe.
• Reality stars in general. Who cares? I want my pages filled with stories about genuine celebrities. I want to see the pretty awards show dresses and the beautiful vacation spots not the Real Housewives of Everywhere or The Hills.
• Exception to the celeb rule – Jennifer Aniston. Ugh, barf, go away.

That said, I have tried to curb my addiction. While I still get People and US Weekly delivered to mi casa every Friday, I try not to buy the other two…as often. Now excuse me while I sip my coffee and peruse the red carpet at the Academy Awards…

I hate Springing forward for Daylight Savings Time. Honestly, I don't ever remember if we're "saving" time now or when we fall back in October and I don't really care. I hate the thought of losing an hour of sleep. I was very crabby when I went to sleep last night, grumbling about how Aidan would be up and I was going to have to get up EARLY. Boo hoo hoo.  So now here it is, 8:02 a.m., and I'm the only one awake in the house.  BWAHAHAHAHAHA to me.

I have tiptoed outside though and it is BEAUTIFUL! Yeah a nice day! After a nice hour long walk with a friend while Aidan is in Faith Formation class, I am going to start digging holes and getting my new plants in the ground. I bought tons of stuff at the nursery yesterday!

• Two Dwarf Bottlebrushes
• Two Tam Junipers
• 3 Tea Rose bushes – I have no idea what color they will be and I'm excited to find out!
• One Golden Barrel Cactus
• 2 Texas Sage
• 2 Succulents
• Ground for the cactus garden – I can't remember what it's called but it's pretty!
• Assorted herbs for the patio

Yep, I've decided that instead of replanting flowers in all of my patio pots, I'm going to grow an herb garden!  We also bought white pumpkin, heirloom pumpkin, watermelon and cantaloupe seeds! We also plan to move some creosote bushes from right behind our fence to inside the yard to create a hedge in the back. I can't wait until it's all done! I need to go find my gardening gloves…..have a nice Sunday!

I have a cactus garden in my backyard that started out last year with pretty little cacti and succulents. I have dreams for my cactus garden to be full and lush, blooming and bursting with color throughout the spring and summer. Unfortunately, winter kicked it's ass.

Almost everything in my cactus garden succumbed to the weird warm, cold, warm, freezing, warm weather so I need to start over today. I'm off to the nursery for new plants and I have visions of this in my head. 

Gardens like that take a few years to create. The plants have to grow and fill in until they finally look like one big cohesive unit, but I'm on a mission to get my baby garden back on the ground and running today!  I'm also going to pick up seeds for watermelons and cantaloupe, along with a few other veggies.  Several of my rose bushes are dead and I have space for two more Texas Sage bushes along the fence.  Get ready Star Nursery, here I come! 

While I've been sitting here at the bottom of the hole, I have tried to do something productive. I'm having trouble getting off the couch, so I have been knitting. I wove in the ends on a few new dishcloths, but then decided to start something new – I know, I said no new projects until I finished something that was already on needles. Oops. Sue me. 

I have two projects in my basket right now, the teddy bear and a cotton market tote. I'm making a bit of progress on each of them! 

This is the torso of the teddy bear. It looks like a hat that needs to be finished, but it's there waiting for me to add the next piece – it's tush. I'll work on it tomorrow.

Project Numero Dos is this….

It's the bottom third of a cotton market tote.  Two totally different projects, one with bulky yarn, the other with relatively thin cotton. If I don't want to think a lot I pick up the tote. It's a simple four row repeating pattern and I can just go around and around…

Knitting is therapeutic. It calms my mind and makes me be still mentally. Plus, by the time I'm done I'll have something to show for it!  On the agenda for Friday is a whole lot more sitting and knitting. The stitches help fill up the big empty place I have inside. I have enough yarn in my stash to keep me going for months, let's hope I don't need to use it all! 

Down in a hole, feelin so small 

Down in a hole, losin my soul 

Id like to fly, 

But my wings have been so denied 

Down in a hole and they've put all 

The stones in their place 

I've eaten the sun so my tongue 

Has been burned of the taste 

I have been guilty 

Of kicking myself in the teeth 

I will speak no more 

Of my feelings beneath 

- Alice in Chains

I love Alice in Chains and listen to them a lot anyway, but this verse and chorus of Down in a Hole have been on loop in my head for the past two days.  I am on a downward spiral and can't seem to claw my way back out.

I have battled depression for years, people who have known me since I was a teenager can tell you how erratic my behavior could be and how quickly I could go from normal to feeling like I was lying in a ditch.  It happens in the blink of an eye and it's hard for me to recognize until I'm sitting in the ditch looking up.  It is extremely difficult for me to admit how much of a problem my depression is and how badly it affects me. I can count on one hand the number of times I have told Rob, "I'm not OK." 

Right now I'm not OK. I spent most of the day Wednesday fighting to keep from curling up on the couch and not moving.  My house needs to be cleaned, I have homework that needs to be done. My Google Reader is overflowing with posts that I want to read, but I have nothing to contribute right now so they sit collecting dust. 

• I have made excuses for years to deal with my depression
• I hate my job so of course I feel miserable
• I'm not getting enough sleep, no wonder I don't feel like doing anything
• I just had a baby, my hormones are just out of whack

The list goes on and on, but I need to make it stop.  I have an appointment with my GP on Tuesday to deal with some other stuff, but this time when she asks how everything else is, I can't say "fine" with a smile.  It's time to admit I need help….

I'll be back on my game soon bloggy peeps, bear with me while I climb out of the hole.